THINGS THAT ARE TOO CUTE!

The most adorable puppy doing the most adorable thing that has ever been adorabled.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7aqmoRZikU&feature=player_embedded

And some lolcats for good measure

Health Tips?

If it has a vegetable on it that isn't a potato, it's healthy.

If you only use half of the Ramen noodle packet, it's healthy.

If it's brown when it could be white, it's healthy.

If you chose to skip the cheese, it's healthy.

If you have to put butter on a vegetable to eat it, that's still healthy.

If a glass of wine is good for you an entire bottle is REALLY good for you.


Actual Tips:

 If it says "Diet" on it it is probably not actually good for you or for your diet.

Shop in the outer aisles of the store. The inner aisles are where the junk and processed garbage is. (one exception is the asian food aisle which I frequent) Stick with bright veggies and low fat meats.  Brown rice is your best option for a side dish. It's simple to make, tastes better, has more nutrients and costs less than white rice. Red meat should only be eaten very rarely as a treat. Meat does not need to be consumed every day, I try to do a day between each chicken breast.


Salt is not the enemy. Iodized salt is. Choose kosher sea salt. I use the coarse salt for cooking and the fine ground ones for sprinkling. If you are eating lots of packaged stuff then yes watch your sodium but if you are only salting veggies then seriously? Don't fucking sweat it.

Can't just drink water? Try fruit juices mixed with water. If I drink apple juice it will be a 50/50 mix with water. You can try 25/75 at first until your palate changes and the 50/50 mix tastes good.

MOVIE REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!@!!!!!!!!!

I watch movies. I have opinions about those movies. Now, you will know my opinions. This is MOVIE REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!@!!!!!

Moneyball   Brad Pitt is still pretty sexy but this movie is about BASEBALL and while the movie is interesting, the fact that I was watching a lengthy movie about BASEBALL was hard to get over. Jonah Hill (fat kid from Superbad) is a main character and it just throws me off to have someone who came from potty humour fame all of a sudden be acting all serious n shit. I kept waiting for him to be funny and it never happened. I started watching this movie under the very false assumption it was a comedy. It's not. I did LOL a few times but it's far from a comedy. It's about BASEBALL. This movie will probably be nominated for a bunch of Oscars but it really shouldn't be. Mat liked it a lot better than I did but I think that's because deep down maybe he secretly likes sports?  I give this film 4.6 out of 9 Christmas tree ornaments. Maybe watch it?

Rise of the Planet of the Apes   It had James Franco,  gorillas throwing themselves at helicopters, monkeys riding horses, monkeys wearing people clothes and did I mention the gorilla taking down the helicopter? Yeah. That REALLY happened. And it's just as awesome as it sounds. This is a fucking badass movie and it is one of the few films that have entertained me all the way through in the last while. I wasn't expecting much and I got WOWED TO THE FACE by it. I rate this film 98 out of 101 Kitties. Watch it!!


Incendies   A touching and disturbing look at a womans life in the Middle East during one of the many conflicts. One word for this movie would be masterpiece. It is enthralling, upsetting and touching all at the same time. One of the best movies I have ever seen. Gems like Incendies will never get an Oscar nod while mediocre shit like Moneyball will. This is why I do not give a shit about the Academy Awards. 9 out of 9.5 Stars Absolutely watch it!

Bloody Pit of Horrors (1968)  I have a feeling that the fact that the movie was dubbed in English added to the charm. Seeing the actors lips moving quite obviously out of sync with the words added to the zany cheese of the movie. It was hilariously funny in parts and a bit boring in others but that is what the fast forward button is for, my friends! I give this movie 5 out of 7.5 Puppies in a Basket. Watch it if you like cheesy horror movies. 

The Wicker Man (1973)  Nicolas Cage did an apparently terrible remake of this movie and I didn't want to bother with that one so went for the original. It's spooky and misleading and while I definitely won't be rewatching it, it was worth the time spent. A straight edged cop is sent to an island where a girls disappearance has been reported. When he asks around for her her existence is denied by all the townfolk. SUSPENSE INSUES!  5 out of 9 Pop Cans      It's pretty decent!


Your Highness  You don't need to know anything about this movie besides that it is set in faraway times in a faraway land and it is basically a stoner comedy for the gods.  I can't understand why anyone would give this movie a bad review (and some people did), it was laugh out loud funny the entire time.  Probably one of my new favouritest comedies, this one deserves a watch. I love Natalie Portman and I think I really like James Franco and guess what they were BOTH IN THIS MOVIE! And the other dude who is in EASTBOUND AND DOWN is fucking hilarious. I don't know his name and fuck googling it but he is the bomb. This movie gets A MILLION OUT OF A MILLION AND ONE AWESOMES. WATCH IT OR DIE!!!!!!!!

A Lesson In Dogs

Dog farts... I can't think of a worse smell than dog farts. Whatever you feed your dog will come out smelling 5780% worse than when it went in. There is some kind of dog digestion magic that turns plain food like bread and chicken into SUPER FARTS that make you want to hurl or plug your nostrils with cement. It will smell like your dog ate a rotting corpse made out of vomit when all you fed him was some bread crust and dog food. Your dog will sit as close to you as possible while letting loose these hell smells and his butt WILL be in your direction. When you try to tell him to move away from you (while choking desperately for air)  he will look at you confused and hurt, and will act like you just beat him over the head with his favourite toy. He will then come closer to you, probably farting nervously all the while. With your head buried in a blanket, taking deep breaths, trying not to faint, he will come even closer to try to snuggle with you and see what's wrong. There is no escaping dog farts. There is no escape.

Neighbours stupid definitely retarded dog that barks non stop.... This dog, it is named Lucy, but I'm pretty sure that is short for LUCIFER. She will bark at a car coming down the drive. She will bark at nothing coming down the drive. She will bark at something in the field. She will bark at nothing in the field. Her bark is loud and proud. She may be half senile but she sure has a set of lungs on her! She will bark at you walking to your car. She will bark at you if she sees you through the window.  If you offer her a kind pet, she will sniff your hand and then when all seems well and you are thinking "Oh maybe I will pet her, maybe we can be FRIENDS!" she will snap at you and bark so furiously and menancingly that you will ask yourself what the fuck you are doing trying to make friends with this asshole of a dog. She does not want to be your friend. She wants to bark at you and hate you and that is the reality of the situation. You just love animals too much to accept it. You are a noble and caring person but this dog, this dog is the closest thing to an enemy you will ever have.

She will bark for 2+ hours straight when her owners leave. She will run around the back of the house to your living room and bark at the porch door (again, this dog hates you and it knows you're in there). Nothing can get it to shut up and the neighbours don't seem to care that it barks for hours straight and won't bother locking it in the barn.

This dog will walk around with your husband, quiet as a mouse, enjoying his company but when he goes to get something in the car she will all of a sudden start viciously barking at him and not relent until he just goes back in the house, defeated. She is retarded. There is no rhyme or reason to her retardation. She just is. And you have to accept it. Because you like the house you're in and are sick and tired of moving. The price you pay for comfort and laziness just might be your sanity but hey, sanity is overrated anyways right?


Another rule about dog farts.... you will always be the first one to smell it no matter what. Your husband will never smell it first and give you warning. You will always be the dog fart warner.

Pictoirs

 Pictures + Histoir= Pictoir. I'm pretty sure it's awesome and also bilingual so... double awesome?

 And these are fishies of death who will kill anything that is smaller and more adorable than they are

FISHIES!

We bought 25 fish yesterday to stock our tank. We DID have a betta, two fancy guppies and some tetras buuuuuuut I might have forgot to turn the tank heater on when we were gone and the temps went very low (grrr) and all but one fishie froze to death. Yes I feel appropriately terrible. I did however bring one fancy guppy back to life and he is now King Shit of all the other fishes and bosses them around so I feel the tiniest bit better knowing that I saved his life... even though I totally caused the reason for his near death experience... and the death of my other fish... well let's forget all that, Christmas is not the time for guilt!


Anyhoo we went to Big Al's for their BOXING DAY BLOWOUT (PRICES SO LOW WE MUST BE CRAZY!) and ended up buying a net, a ph/ammonia tester and 25 fish for $75 bucks. Not too bad.

 I had done research on all of the fish I was planning on buying except the Rummynose tetras I wanted had Ich so I ended up getting some GOLDEN PANCHANXes instead because Mat liked the look of them. I asked the guy multiple times if they would be okay with the other fish, namely the neon tetras and he promised me they would. They had the "Community tank" sticker on their cage too. Fucking liarfaces.

Not 10 minutes into putting the fish together the panchanxes were eating and chasing the poor neons. I was horrified to see a panchanx (which is not a huge fish by any means) swimming around with the tail end of a neon tetra hanging out of its mouth. It was also kind of cool to see but that is evil and heartless of me so forget I said that. I had no choice but to put the neons in a bucket and unfortunately a few died overnight so looks like the three lone survivors (out of 9) are stuck living in the big tank until they get eaten or the store lets me return them. *They aren't accepting returns during their BOXING WEEK BLOWOUT!*
I also watched one of the Panchaxes taking a gigantic neon tetra sized poop today. Nature is WHACK!



DEAR NEON TETRAS,
I'M SO SORRY LITTLE FISHIES I DIDN'T KNOW THE INNOCENT LOOKING YELLOW FISH OF DEATH WOULD EAT YOU AND I KNOW THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BETTER BUT I DIDN'T! I SHOULD HAVE RESEARCHED THE SPECIES BUT I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST A FISH STORE BECAUSE LIKE THAT IS THEIR ONLY JOB, TO SELL FISH AND NOT LET PEOPLE BUY FISH THAT WILL EAT ALL THEIR OTHER FISH. MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES FOR GETTING YOU EATEN.   DON'T WORRY, KARMA WILL GET ME ONE DAY.  -TARA

Also- one of the fancy guppies is missing so I am quite sure one of the Death Fish of Death ate it. I don't know HOW such a small fish could eat an entire guppy but I had three guppies and now I have two. My super good math skills tells me that that means one is missing. Bad fishies!

I will blog!

I keep intending to continue blogging on a regularish basis but never come through on that intention. Buuuut... I promised myself I would quit Facebook in the new year and I intend to keep that promise. Instead I am going to create a blog and maybe some friends will like it and be interested enough to leave me comments! I'm looking at you, Jen!!! Leave me comments!

Anyhoo, what have I been up to lately... candle making, candle parties, and weird dreams. That's pretty much it. Christmas is this coming weekend and not only am I completely unprepared I am completely NOT feeling it! I do not want to go to all these family obligations (sorry family!) and can't believe that it's already almost 2012. We have less than a year to live! Orgies, everyone, orgies! Just kidding in that I do not actually think the world is going to end in 2012. We are in for big changes in the coming years though but let's not get all depressing up in here.


HERE IS MY NEW FISH TANK. ISN'T IT PINK AND AWESOME!?!?!

And this handsome mofo right here is Taco. (tacotacoburritoburrito)