Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A Lesson In Dogs

Dog farts... I can't think of a worse smell than dog farts. Whatever you feed your dog will come out smelling 5780% worse than when it went in. There is some kind of dog digestion magic that turns plain food like bread and chicken into SUPER FARTS that make you want to hurl or plug your nostrils with cement. It will smell like your dog ate a rotting corpse made out of vomit when all you fed him was some bread crust and dog food. Your dog will sit as close to you as possible while letting loose these hell smells and his butt WILL be in your direction. When you try to tell him to move away from you (while choking desperately for air)  he will look at you confused and hurt, and will act like you just beat him over the head with his favourite toy. He will then come closer to you, probably farting nervously all the while. With your head buried in a blanket, taking deep breaths, trying not to faint, he will come even closer to try to snuggle with you and see what's wrong. There is no escaping dog farts. There is no escape.

Neighbours stupid definitely retarded dog that barks non stop....
This dog, it is named Lucy, but I'm pretty sure that is short for LUCIFER. She will bark at a car coming down the drive. She will bark at nothing coming down the drive. She will bark at something in the field. She will bark at nothing in the field. Her bark is loud and proud. She may be half senile but she sure has a set of lungs on her! She will bark at you walking to your car. She will bark at you if she sees you through the window.  If you offer her a kind pet, she will sniff your hand and then when all seems well and you are thinking "Oh maybe I will pet her, maybe we can be FRIENDS!" she will snap at you and bark so furiously and menancingly that you will ask yourself what the fuck you are doing trying to make friends with this asshole of a dog. She does not want to be your friend. She wants to bark at you and hate you and that is the reality of the situation. You just love animals too much to accept it. You are a noble and caring person but this dog, this dog is the closest thing to an enemy you will ever have.

She will bark for 2+ hours straight when her owners leave. She will run around the back of the house to your living room and bark at the porch door (again, this dog hates you and it knows you're in there). Nothing can get it to shut up and the neighbours don't seem to care that it barks for hours straight and won't bother locking it in the barn.

This dog will walk around with your husband, quiet as a mouse, enjoying his company but when he goes to get something in the car she will all of a sudden start viciously barking at him and not relent until he just goes back in the house, defeated. She is retarded. There is no rhyme or reason to her retardation. She just is. And you have to accept it. Because you like the house you're in and are sick and tired of moving. The price you pay for comfort and laziness just might be your sanity but hey, sanity is overrated anyways right?

Another rule about dog farts.... you will always be the first one to smell it no matter what. Your husband will never smell it first and give you warning. You will always be the dog fart warner.

1 comment:

  1. Well thank you for now giving me the perfect description for my hubbys farts lol